1. Division of labor and expectations, especially household chores 2. Emotional unrest 3. Fights
I will discuss and explore why friendship is one of the best antidotes to the common household poisons of 1 and 2, and I will then follow up with a look at 3, The Inevitable Fight, the pinnacle of conflict, and some ways that you can fight healthfully with your partner.
1. Labor.
Chores: Taking care of business. How important are these things? Does one of you have a higher standard of cleanliness than the other? Sit down and actually agree on what tasks you will each be responsible for. Let each other take jobs that you enjoy— it will help those jobs get done. It's amazing how the difficulties of shared life together break down to simple things like taking out the trash or scrubbing the toilet.
Agree together on what should be done and don't allow one partner to add additional things to for the other. You should agree as a team that these things need to be done and be willing to listen to each other’s preferences.
Another helpful thing to add to this task agreement is due dates. These aren’t due dates that you hold over each other like a boss for projects at work. Instead, finding a reasonable time for job completion helps set fair, clear expectations. For example, I usually like to get things done twice as fast as my husband, but it's unfair to set those expectations of him if he doesn't know that I want that job done under a particular timeline. This tool will lead to clarity and ease in the relationship.
There is a physical and an emotional component to most disagreements between partners. When my husband leaves a pile of clothes – are they clean or dirty? – beside our bed, there is usually more going on than simple laziness. He might be rushed or exhausted or feels like he doesn't have a chance to get to clean up. My reflex of hot indignation that he's let his clothes lay out for three days straight might need further examination on my part.
Are those clothes hurting anyone? Do guests see them when they come over for dinner? Is it worth my time and energy to prod my husband until he relents and just fixes whatever the problem is?
This point leads me to a huge attitude adjustment that is constantly benefiting my own relationship: Friendship.
Friendship brings deeper questions to the surface. Why doesn’t he take out the trash before he watches TV? changes to Is he feeling overwhelmed by something right now? When we treat our partner as a friend, we examine our emotions and motives before jumping into full-blown irritation.
But chores aren't the only cause of conflict.
2. Emotions What about emotional conflict? Is someone always in a foul mood at your house? Do you have a passive partner? I found through personal experience that the degree to which my husband and I grow annoyed, short with, or distant from each other correlates strongly to how much time we spend together doing a relaxing friend activity.
If my husband feels that I'm listening to him, that I desire to delight him, that I genuinely care about his life and his daily struggles at work, that I want to partner with him in tasks we complete together, our emotional closeness a friends grows.
One of the most important things a couple can do to help ease the difficulty of living together is to plan a weekly date night. Turn off your cell phones or at least hide them completely and turn them silent mode. Enjoy a dinner out and save the stress of cooking, or make something simple at home and snuggle on the couch after you eat. Talk about important topics for yourself and ask the probing questions that go beyond, "How was work?" "Fine. And you?"
You are in a serious relationship, and this friendship needs to be given the high priority and the time that corresponds to that.
When I'm rushed or my schedule is overbooked, I'm at least 200% more times as likely to be emotionally unavailable to my husband and to even be outright unkind to him with my words and actions.
So, to sum up our progress, there are difficulties with maintaining the house, there are emotional difficulties to every relationship, and maybe you are in a place where you and your partner have worked out the chores and both made every effort to be emotionally available to each other, you’ve prioritized your friendship…but yet there is still conflict.
3. Fights Fights are a healthy part of any relationship with two partners who express their opinions and feelings. A relationship in which there is no fighting implies that one partner allows the other’s opinions to always prevail, which leads to silent resentment and bottled emotions. Not good.
There are times when you will both need to fight. Call it an argument or a discussion, if you prefer. A fight is the conflict of two opinions or feelings, and it can be accomplished without any screaming or thrown hairdryers.
If you're the partner who's been offended, it's extremely important to stop, think, and reflect on the facts of the matter. In my case, I try to pause, pray, consider if there was anything I myself have done that might have hurt my husband that could have been given him motive for hurting me. This helps my head to clear so that I don’t enter the proverbial “boxing ring” with my fists swinging.
The second important thing to remember before fighting is that you and your partner are on the same team. The point of any conflict should be to resolve it with as little pain for either of you as possible. Being "right" should be very low on your list of intentions – most often each partner is part right and part wrong. The goal needs to be peace, communication, and understanding.
Remember why you chose to be with this person to begin with. And if you're in a place of darkness where you are feeling very stuck, bitter, and resentful, take fifteen minutes aside and list ten things you're grateful about for this partner/lover/friend. You will be astonished by how this shifts your heart.
The warrior’s clenched defensive stance, shifts to the open-armed pose of a welcoming friend.
About the Author
Elise Stephens received the Eugene Van Buren Prize for Fiction from the University of Washington in 2007, where she also received her degree in Creative Writing. Her first novel, Moonlight and Oranges, explores the timeless tale of young romance.
Elise lives in Seattle, Washington with her husband where they both enjoy swing dancing, eating tiramisu, and savoring the flavor of local live theater. Visit her at www.elisestephens.com
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